a wrinkle in time

I, for one, am outraged by the controversy brewing in Brattleboro, Vermont. This small, notoriously liberal town, known for it's tolerance of public nudity, determined to institute an emergency ban on nudity in certain areas of the town, effective immediately. Where's the fire, you ask?

It must be that some unclad pervert was roaming around town being inappropriate? Or perhaps, a gaggle of small children ventured across an unadulterated love fest- naked limbs flailing every which way? Nope, not even close. The real culprit is much, much scarier. An old man! Naked! Wearing a fanny pack! Oh my!

The fact that the issue became an emergency, in response to an especially wrinkly encounter, leads me to believe that nudity is not the real issue here. And though, I am the first to admit that accessorizing with a fanny pack is always offensive, in this case I can see it's practicality. I am pretty sure that Vermonters do not share this same prejudice against butt bags. So barring the fanny pack theory, what would make a town, "world-renowned" for it's nude-friendly attitude change this policy in such a hurry?

Gravity! Or rather, the effects of gravity on skin. Everyone wants to see the perfect naked body, tan, smooth and supple. Some may remember our own toned and tan "naked guy" (RIP), a UC student who roamed the streets of downtown Berkeley. Though repeatedly threatened with arrest, he became a champion and was even featured in Playgirl!

However, it is widely reported that our Brattleboro nudist is old. He's probably got loose skin, wrinkles: a living testament to the inevitable. And, as a culture, that now more than ever, idealizes youth, an aging body, is offensive enough to create controversy.

I'm not really a proponent for public nakedness. But I'm also uncomfortable with ageism. So, I guess you could say, this whole thing makes me uncomfortable!

And on another note, what's up nudists and accessories? Can we please get someone to offer tips to these people? Really, a blue bandanna, a fanny pack! Come on nudists, get with the program. Castro caps and Chrome messenger bags are in, pleather butt packs and doo rags, out!